This Is How I Feel 24/7
I was recently perusing the interweb and had a chance encounter with a blog named The Splintered Mind. Specifically, this page is where I ended up.
Now, I don't want to come across as trying to tell everyone I have ADD or something as this blog is primarily concerned with it. I don't think that trying to convince anyone that you have a disorder or anything is productive in any way. I just read through this post and found that it hit home in a couple ways.
There are several things in this post that very accurately describe the way I think about myself. I never really realized it until I read it, though.
"The media is filled with people who are "better than us" who fought against the odds to bring new meaning to people's lives and we can't even remember to take the trash out."
Yup.
"... often focused only on what they should have done instead of what they were able to accomplish."
Yup.
"Is it faulty religion? The wrong political party in control? Your annoying roommate? Your mother who never loved you? No. It's you. You know what you can accomplish and you get mad at yourself for not accomplishing it yet. You're stuck in a maze of your own making."
I cannot emphasize the sentence above enough. I think I am intelligent. My Mom and some random tests (GED, etc.) have indicated so, but I just can't seem to get my act together.
I really want to graduate this semester, but a couple weeks back I missed 3 days of school in a row. Not because I was sick, not because I had a funeral to go to, and certainly not because of any actual valid reason. I just didn't want to go. School is boring. The classes are so damn easy that I never open the textbooks at all or even study in any way and I still get 90's or better (one exception, 88% on my last Macroeconomics exam) on all my tests.
The worst part, at least to me, about missing those days of school was self-made. I was overridden with guilt about not going, about wasting my parents' hard-earned money that they spent investing in my future, my life. It permeated my thoughts. I kicked myself mentally over and over again. Why did I do that? I am smarter than that.
Or am I?
I don't think anything I can put down in words here can impress upon you the intense hatred I have for myself and my actions with any accuracy. I feel this during every waking moment of my life. My brother is done with his Bachelors degree at CSI after 2 years already, and I'm struggling to complete mine still after 5 years. Nothing can describe the humiliation I feel about this. I have nothing to compare it to. It's funny, I don't hink I have ever told anyone how I really feel about this. I have joked about it, but that's how I keep others from knowing how utterly worthless and humiliated it makes me. Writing about it here just created fresh new waves of guilt, yay.
"I know what type of author I could be if only I could free myself from distractions and focus on that Great American Fantasy Novel. Whether I am deluded or not is up for argument, but focusing on what I haven't accomplished only sets me up for depression. And depression feeds rumination about underachievement. It's a vicious little maze, ..."
I want to write a novel, too. It's funny how this guy mentioned that specifically. I also want to start my own business, teach myself how to develop websites using PHP, learn how to use MySQl databases with those PHP pages, make trance music, and become a decent cook. Looking to my past record, I doubt I will be able to accomplish any of these, ever. This disappoints me as I think I could be a decent web developer. I'm not an artist, so the sites wouldn't necessarily be pretty to look at, but functionality? You betcha, it'd have it.
What's my point here? To give you an understanding of what my mind is like, how it functions, what I think. I don't want to be seen as some psuedo-sentimental, pity soliciting crybaby. If that is the impression I gave, then disregard this entire post. Leave me a comment anonymously and then I will delete this post.
I'm serious.
Now, I don't want to come across as trying to tell everyone I have ADD or something as this blog is primarily concerned with it. I don't think that trying to convince anyone that you have a disorder or anything is productive in any way. I just read through this post and found that it hit home in a couple ways.
There are several things in this post that very accurately describe the way I think about myself. I never really realized it until I read it, though.
"The media is filled with people who are "better than us" who fought against the odds to bring new meaning to people's lives and we can't even remember to take the trash out."
Yup.
"... often focused only on what they should have done instead of what they were able to accomplish."
Yup.
"Is it faulty religion? The wrong political party in control? Your annoying roommate? Your mother who never loved you? No. It's you. You know what you can accomplish and you get mad at yourself for not accomplishing it yet. You're stuck in a maze of your own making."
I cannot emphasize the sentence above enough. I think I am intelligent. My Mom and some random tests (GED, etc.) have indicated so, but I just can't seem to get my act together.
I really want to graduate this semester, but a couple weeks back I missed 3 days of school in a row. Not because I was sick, not because I had a funeral to go to, and certainly not because of any actual valid reason. I just didn't want to go. School is boring. The classes are so damn easy that I never open the textbooks at all or even study in any way and I still get 90's or better (one exception, 88% on my last Macroeconomics exam) on all my tests.
The worst part, at least to me, about missing those days of school was self-made. I was overridden with guilt about not going, about wasting my parents' hard-earned money that they spent investing in my future, my life. It permeated my thoughts. I kicked myself mentally over and over again. Why did I do that? I am smarter than that.
Or am I?
I don't think anything I can put down in words here can impress upon you the intense hatred I have for myself and my actions with any accuracy. I feel this during every waking moment of my life. My brother is done with his Bachelors degree at CSI after 2 years already, and I'm struggling to complete mine still after 5 years. Nothing can describe the humiliation I feel about this. I have nothing to compare it to. It's funny, I don't hink I have ever told anyone how I really feel about this. I have joked about it, but that's how I keep others from knowing how utterly worthless and humiliated it makes me. Writing about it here just created fresh new waves of guilt, yay.
"I know what type of author I could be if only I could free myself from distractions and focus on that Great American Fantasy Novel. Whether I am deluded or not is up for argument, but focusing on what I haven't accomplished only sets me up for depression. And depression feeds rumination about underachievement. It's a vicious little maze, ..."
I want to write a novel, too. It's funny how this guy mentioned that specifically. I also want to start my own business, teach myself how to develop websites using PHP, learn how to use MySQl databases with those PHP pages, make trance music, and become a decent cook. Looking to my past record, I doubt I will be able to accomplish any of these, ever. This disappoints me as I think I could be a decent web developer. I'm not an artist, so the sites wouldn't necessarily be pretty to look at, but functionality? You betcha, it'd have it.
What's my point here? To give you an understanding of what my mind is like, how it functions, what I think. I don't want to be seen as some psuedo-sentimental, pity soliciting crybaby. If that is the impression I gave, then disregard this entire post. Leave me a comment anonymously and then I will delete this post.
I'm serious.
posted by Whatafreak at 3:57:00 PM
2 Comments:
The reason we are friends is because we think so alike. You've told me how you felt about it before... we are similar people. And we are trapped. Trapped and even though we can see another road we can't ever get to it... it might as well not even be there.
It's like that hidden area in UT2K4 maps that you know exists. You know where it is, you can see it. You want to get up there, there are tools up there to help you succeed, your future depends on it. After 10 minutes of trying to get up there, you realize it's not attainable and you have just spent a third of the entire game on a futile endeavor. Now you are behind everyone else, the rest of the world has left you in their wake...
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